“Your journey through hardship is the foundation for your future victories.” – Unknown

A bit of a trigger warning: I delve into a bit more of my own past as far as abuse is concerned, so just read at your own discretion and we will be back to our regularly scheduled program later on today 🙂

My past is a bit of a mixed bag if you will. Looking back, I can snap to some of the most exciting moments of my life, while feeling the looming presence of the worst lurking in the shadows of my memories. For the most part, I have a pretty good memory as I can still recall moments way back when I was 3 years old. That being said, there are pretty large gaps of nothing as well, which makes sense considering my mind was struggling to grasp everything that was happening.

Throughout my adolescent years until roughly 18, I have endured emotional and mental abuse, as well as being touched inappropriately. Thank the Lord that nothing escalated to physical or straight up sexual assault, but threats were made countless times. I witnessed acts of anger such as animal abuse, outright racism/sexism, as well as physical acts such as things being thrown at the wall, doors being slammed until the walls shook, and the cacophony of yelling, screaming, cussing, etc. This felt like an everyday occurrence, plopping me into an insanity loop of fight or flight, and Lord be with me when I chose to fight and all the smoldering hatred is pointed directly at child sized me. It was tough.

There was even one time I thought we were going to get shot due to the anger of this individual. A guy in a lifted pickup truck, got out of his vehicle in the middle of traffic and started angrily walking towards our car. I could not recall what caused the incident, but luckily nothing escalated. These embarrassing public moments were a regular occurrence as well, to the point where I hated going anywhere with this person.

Trauma dumping aside, I say ALL of this not to make people feel pity, but to shine a light in the darkest recesses of life. To show others who may be currently going through similar experiences or picking up the pieces of their past, that it can and will get better.

Personally, I feel as though all these dark blotches in my life, forced me to grow up quicker than I should have. I found myself comforting grown adults well before I was a teenager, while not expecting that same comfort back. I got used to relying on myself for peace and guidance, which unfortunately caused some self-inflicted trauma if you will. Shutting yourself off is not a productive way of dealing with trauma!

I grew up to be extremely sensitive to people’s emotions, particularly sadness and anger. It is difficult for me to open up due to having trust issues out of fear that what I say would go in one ear, out the other. Or even worse, straight up ridiculed for my feelings. I learned to listen before I speak, allowing myself to read the room to gauge reactions. I also grew a strong almost maternal instinct for children and adults alike who have been abused in any capacity, the protection gene is strong with me lol One of the better characteristics that was born out of this chaos is my current ability to remain calm is stressful situations. This was tremendously helpful with working with all my elementary school friends, as well as some events involving some of my less “chaos ready” family members and friends. Feeling as though I can remain grounded and calm during these moments when everyone else would be freaking out, has been SO liberating and healing.

In closing, while I would rather not have experienced a fraction of that crap, I can honestly look back now and see how it molded some of the best qualities of myself, as far as my resilience and forgiveness is concerned, for I do forgive this person as I let it all go before the weight broke my back and spirit.